


starting from zero, nothing to lose

by queerofcups



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: 10x09, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:15:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22132408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerofcups/pseuds/queerofcups
Summary: If Mickey knew the magic trick to knowing if Ian Gallagher actually loves you, he’d use it every day.
Relationships: Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich
Comments: 3
Kudos: 79





	starting from zero, nothing to lose

**Author's Note:**

> Set during/immediately after 10x09, some mild dialogue spoilers but I feel like we're all clear on how Mickey's feeling after the last two episodes. Ian just keeps fuckin' up, huh!

“How do you know you love me, huh? How do you really know?”

All his life, Mickey’s had anger. It didn’t matter what was going on. When he was a kid, It didn’t matter if it was Terry messing with him or Mandy, or some shit stain thinking he could bully Mickey just because Mickey was the smallest guy in his class up until he stopped going to class. He’d always been ready to beat ass if necessary, to stab someone somewhere that would bleed like a bitch but wouldn’t get him sent away forever. He’d always been ready to rage, to slip into the deep red pit of anger he’s pretty sure he was born with. 

It’s still there now, though lately it's been paired with a bone-deep weariness, the kind that makes him think that his life is finally catching up with his body. He can go to that place when he needs to and is horrified to realize that the number of people he’d do that for has expanded to include at least half of the non-Ian Gallaghers. 

And sometimes it takes him over, like at the courthouse. Sometimes, he’s got no say in the matter he just feels panic and does whatever he needs to get away from the sucking, choking feeling of being trapped. Even if it means punching Ian like he hasn’t in months, shit, years. 

It doesn’t even feel good, when that happens. When he surfaces, he has to deal with whatever the fuck he did and it’s all just a pain in the ass. 

When Ian asks him that...that fucking stupid, fucking absurd question, Mickey waits for the anger to come. He’s barely in his body, is thinking about how annoying it's going to be to pick Ian up off the ground after Mickey punches him again. He wonders if Barrister has enough on his credit card to cover a trip to an actual hospital so Ian can get something better than musty-ass gauze and bandages they got from V and a boot that’s two sizes too small. 

But when Ian finally stops flapping his stupid fucking mouth about the bipolar (like Mickey wasn’t there when it was the worst. Like Mickey didn’t have the words for what Ian had before even Ian did.) and Mickey waits for his body to do what his body does, all he comes up with is hurt. 

It’s so fucking annoying, the way Ian Gallagher’s been slipping past his anger and finding a way to kick him in all the soft bits he’s got left. 

“Jesus Christ, Ian,” he says. And there’s a pause, because there are all the things he could say. Jesus Christ, have you been here for the past five years? Jesus Christ, have you been here for our entire lives, the entire time we’ve known each other? Jesus Christ, where the fuck were you when I told you I loved you when I got fucking locked up, when I tried to get us away from this fucking city, when I let you go back to your fucked up family, when I let you go because that’s what you wanted, when I took you back because that’s what you wanted?

Ian Gallagher cracks up open like he’s got a map to every chink in the shell southside gave Mickey the day he was born, and he’s not even sure if he loves Mickey?  
Because that’s what he’s asking, isn’t it? It’s not about how Mickey feels about him. There’s no way that can be a question, after the last five years. Shit, after the last two. No, Ian is asking for advice. He’s asking how he supposed to know if he loves Mickey enough. 

If Mickey knew the magic trick to knowing if Ian Gallagher actually loves you, he’d use it every day. He’d do that shit til it all burned up around them, he’d do anything know Ian actually loved him, for one fucking second. 

He says some fuckin’ paltry bullshit about Ian’s family, tells Ian to come find him eventually because he can’t ever actually close that door, can he? God, Milkovich, the day you have enough spine to actually leave Ian on the front step is the day hell freezes over. 

He lets the literal door shut behind him and walks back up to the stupid, hideous, apartment. Brian looks at him with his ferret-y little glances, clearly still dealing with the fact that the trade he’d picked up last night has invaded his little high-rise. Whatever. Mickey did some googling, the little pansy’s family is rich enough they could buy this whole building for pocket change. 

Mickey ignores him and goes to the bathroom, closing the door and turning on the shower. 

The hurt is bigger, blacker. The anger is a rush. It’s been Mickey’s only friend sometimes, it’s propelled him when he’d had nothing left, it’s protected him from getting locked up early, from getting his ass kicked because he’s always liked ‘em sweet and hasn’t always been great at hiding it (Terry incident, notwithstanding). It’s gotten him out of tight corners and fed him when he hasn’t had food. The anger is useful, he can do something with a boiling, burning anger. 

The softness, the fucking hurt just leaves him here. In some rich kid’s rich shower that he can’t even enjoy because he’s nursing the hole in his chest shaped like Ian’s fucking damage, his inability to just give Mickey half of what Mickey’s given him. There are a million tiny bottles of shit that smells sweeter than anything Mickey’s ever smelled in his life and it doesn’t matter because he’s just letting the water wash over his face, because then he can tell the no one who bothers to ask that Ian Gallager isn’t still making him cry. 

Mickey’s given up on ever getting over Gallagher for real. He’s had too many tries and doesn’t ever stick. But he’s starting to think that it’d be easier to just learn to live with it, instead of trying to get Gallagher to fix it. He’s starting to think Gallagher doesn’t even care enough to know there’s something to fix.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Shameless fic, but I suspect not my last. You can find me at queerofcups.tumblr.com. Title is from Fast Car because like, of course it is.


End file.
